I want to bone Zooey Deschanel.

Zooey Deschanel, oh how I want to bone thee.

My interest in Zooey, as with many other people, started with her role in Almost Famous. She was someone that I'd have a strong desire to bone in the future, I just didn't know it yet because I knew nothing about this stunning creature.

The realisation of just how bonetastic Zooey is was one of those moments of monumental life changing significance. One of those moments in your life that have such a great impact that you remember every detail about the time of day it happened, where it happened and who it happened with.


For me, these moments are few and far between. They include having the training wheels taken off my bike. The first time I kissed a girl. The first time I was slapped by a girl and the first time I had someone throw their drink in my face. The first time I fell in love and the first time I had my heart broken. And then there's Zooey. I can remember the exact moment that Ms Deschanel became completely boneable to me. The time and place specifics aren't very interesting, nor important, however, the catalyst that shot Zooey onto my Bone-List and cemented her there years ahead of how long it might have taken otherwise, was a scene from the movie Elf in which she co-starred and in my opinion, stole the lead from Will Ferrel. Without this one scene it could have taken me so many wasted years (possibly until I saw Yes Man) for me to realise how amazing Zooey is. The scene in question is when she is singing "Baby, It's Cold Outside" in the shower while Buddy innocently listens on.

Her voice is angelic and her persona proudly carries an emblem of  natural quirkiness that can not be replicated, but is developed through years of being naturally quirky herself. Many people who are this quirky
quite often leave many around them feeling slightly awkward due to their unusual mannerisms and ability to say something completely unexpected. This is not Zooey at all, although I imagine these qualities to be fairly ingrained in her persona. She has these obscure character traits and still people feel completely comfortable around her which is why if Zooey is the quirky, weird relative that rocks up to your Christmas dinners then you should bless your cotton socks because you lucked out. If you have ever had to endure one of my Christmas lunches where every relative you never speak to is suddenly such an important figure in your life, asks you questions that were barely relevant five years ago and then accuses someone of stealing, then you would realise I would make a trade for Zooey without any thought.


It's this unusual personality that makes Zooey so much more than just an actress. So much more than just a pretty vessel to regurgitate someone else's lines on cue. So much more than someone who believes that the way they scream "nooo!" amounts to artistic creativity. So much more than everyone who just wanted to make it to be a somebody. So much more than some whore whose last name begins with Spell and ends with Ing and relentlessly leached off her father. It's the sum total of all these character traits that Zooey doesn't possess that is largely what makes her so endearing to me.

If Zooey Deschanel doesn't do it for you in the celebrity crush stakes then you might as well stop reading right now, because aside from the fact that your taste in women must be akin to that of our former Prime Minster, Kevin Rudd, it's that she is the epitome of everything this blog is trying to achieve. I understand that with her rise in popularity over the last decade that Zooey is hardly struggling for recognition, but in my opinion, she's the most boneable girl of the Hollywood ilk and certainly doesn't have that reputation. She probably doesn't want it either, so I apologise Zooey, but more people should realise how completely boneable you are.

Zooey has performed Jazz Cabaret and produced an album with some other guy I don't care about under the name She & Him. I think it can be argued that people who have a passion for Jazz and Folk music are still alive and willing to dream. This is why I imagine her to be far removed from the vapid, money counting, pop charity zealots whose dreams were compromised when they gave their first head job to a seedy D-Grade director for consideration of a part in his film.