I want to bone strippers.

"The way I see it, God gave me the body, so I intend to use it. It's a big ego trip.... You know, you look around a bar, you pick out a guy and you say, that's the one: I'm going to take all of his money tonight."

Teresa Beaty (b. c. 1975), U.S. stripper and member of the United States Air Force. As quoted in the New York Times Magazine, p. 60 (March 27, 1994). 

This quote sums up why I find strippers so boneable. I could finish this post here with nothing more than a few pictures and I think that most of you would either completely get it, or begin to despise strippers even more while you paint anti-abortion banners and complain about the effect day light savings could have. I understand some people are morally opposed to the whole industry, but these people really need to wake up. These boneable girls chose their occupation because they enjoy it and it almost certainly pays more than what you earn per hour.  

I'm attracted to strong women that know what they want and how to get it (I'm also attracted to the complete opposite, but we'll discuss that later). And a stripper with the kind of mindset shared by Teresa Beaty, who also has the looks and moves to pull it off, which includes not being a raging, scab-infested crack whore, will easily make my Bone-List every time. Every single time.

They don't have to be naked for me to feel this way either, although it certainly helps, they know how to exploit the drunken male and I find it both hilarious and bonetastic. Now... I'm not saying that just because I notice the power that they wield that I do not fall victim to it as well. Quite the contrary, strippers are my kryptonite. The fact that I now know of their power only increases my vulnerability. If I ever decide to follow my childhood dream of being a superhero, then I just hope for the sake of the general public that I never come across an evil, criminal mastermind stripper otherwise or will be lost.

I have been out on boys nights when I was younger and seen my friends get fleeced and quite enjoyed it, but I never realise why I enjoyed it so much. It wasn't until I went out by myself while on a holiday and I decided to hit up a strip club for a couple of pre-drinks. The place had just opened and I was one of the first punters in there which was fantastic because I got a lot of attention. I ended up spending more money than I should on both alcohol and tipping the boneable strippers. Just as I was about to leave, two Russian girls came up and tried to talk to someone I had started talking to and myself. They were suggesting that we join them for a private dance.
I remember the smile on his face as he walked away and left them to me.

This man already knew of the beautiful power a stripper holds (and he most certainly knew that their power increases exponentially as their numbers increase) and what was about to happen to me. We talked for a minute and I explained that I, quite unfortunately, could not afford to have a private dance with either of them, let alone both of them and that I was just about to leave.This is where they unleashed their power and I was helpless. Like a child in a toy store, everything had been marketed so that my senses were being bombarded constantly, making me an easy target. They then told me that I really had no decision in the matter and they started kissing up both sides of my neck all the way up behind my ears. I resisted what felt like a life time of trying to delay the inevitable, which was probably a whole of three seconds, before I "decided" that I would indeed like a private dance.

In reailty, I didn't decide anything.
Just like Teresa Beaty they spotted me, sized me up and took all of my money. While we were in our private room the very convincing girls got me to stay for more than just one private dance and even took my wallet out of my hands showing me exactly how much money I had and what I could and could not afford. It was at this exact moment that I realised just how much I wanted to bone them. How could I let this happen, and more so, why was I enjoying it so much?

It's because they are beautiful, magic creatures. Sure, they're definitely bad for your bank account and probably not to healthy for the integrity of the stitching in the crotchal region of your pants. However, treated like any indulgence, in moderation and with care, you will have a good time, have memories to cherish and they will remain boneable for many years to come.

Strippers. Exotic dancers. Adult entertainers. What ever you want to call them, I feel sorry for you if you don't realise just how boneable they are. And when the day comes that I decide to get married, my future wife would be served well by reading this post and taking the appropriate actions on my bucks night.

I want to bone Zooey Deschanel.

Zooey Deschanel, oh how I want to bone thee.

My interest in Zooey, as with many other people, started with her role in Almost Famous. She was someone that I'd have a strong desire to bone in the future, I just didn't know it yet because I knew nothing about this stunning creature.

The realisation of just how bonetastic Zooey is was one of those moments of monumental life changing significance. One of those moments in your life that have such a great impact that you remember every detail about the time of day it happened, where it happened and who it happened with.


For me, these moments are few and far between. They include having the training wheels taken off my bike. The first time I kissed a girl. The first time I was slapped by a girl and the first time I had someone throw their drink in my face. The first time I fell in love and the first time I had my heart broken. And then there's Zooey. I can remember the exact moment that Ms Deschanel became completely boneable to me. The time and place specifics aren't very interesting, nor important, however, the catalyst that shot Zooey onto my Bone-List and cemented her there years ahead of how long it might have taken otherwise, was a scene from the movie Elf in which she co-starred and in my opinion, stole the lead from Will Ferrel. Without this one scene it could have taken me so many wasted years (possibly until I saw Yes Man) for me to realise how amazing Zooey is. The scene in question is when she is singing "Baby, It's Cold Outside" in the shower while Buddy innocently listens on.

Her voice is angelic and her persona proudly carries an emblem of  natural quirkiness that can not be replicated, but is developed through years of being naturally quirky herself. Many people who are this quirky
quite often leave many around them feeling slightly awkward due to their unusual mannerisms and ability to say something completely unexpected. This is not Zooey at all, although I imagine these qualities to be fairly ingrained in her persona. She has these obscure character traits and still people feel completely comfortable around her which is why if Zooey is the quirky, weird relative that rocks up to your Christmas dinners then you should bless your cotton socks because you lucked out. If you have ever had to endure one of my Christmas lunches where every relative you never speak to is suddenly such an important figure in your life, asks you questions that were barely relevant five years ago and then accuses someone of stealing, then you would realise I would make a trade for Zooey without any thought.


It's this unusual personality that makes Zooey so much more than just an actress. So much more than just a pretty vessel to regurgitate someone else's lines on cue. So much more than someone who believes that the way they scream "nooo!" amounts to artistic creativity. So much more than everyone who just wanted to make it to be a somebody. So much more than some whore whose last name begins with Spell and ends with Ing and relentlessly leached off her father. It's the sum total of all these character traits that Zooey doesn't possess that is largely what makes her so endearing to me.

If Zooey Deschanel doesn't do it for you in the celebrity crush stakes then you might as well stop reading right now, because aside from the fact that your taste in women must be akin to that of our former Prime Minster, Kevin Rudd, it's that she is the epitome of everything this blog is trying to achieve. I understand that with her rise in popularity over the last decade that Zooey is hardly struggling for recognition, but in my opinion, she's the most boneable girl of the Hollywood ilk and certainly doesn't have that reputation. She probably doesn't want it either, so I apologise Zooey, but more people should realise how completely boneable you are.

Zooey has performed Jazz Cabaret and produced an album with some other guy I don't care about under the name She & Him. I think it can be argued that people who have a passion for Jazz and Folk music are still alive and willing to dream. This is why I imagine her to be far removed from the vapid, money counting, pop charity zealots whose dreams were compromised when they gave their first head job to a seedy D-Grade director for consideration of a part in his film.

I want to bone Claire Werbeloff.

Welcome to the grand opening of my new blog
I Want To Bone...


I will endeavour to bring to you on a weekly basis the most boneable hotties who I feel aren't getting enough recognition either in the media, or when I talk to other drunkards at the pub. I will try to stay away from the mainstream media whores as much as I can and will only post about them when I have a more valid excuse than "she's hot". I don't expect everyone to agree with all of my choices as this blog is about so much more than just aesthetic beauty. I just ask that you appreciate the beauty and reasoning of some of the ladies that make up my "Bone List". (Bucket lists are for impotent Scientologists.)


I am new to the blogging world so please be patient with me while I find my feet. It's not like you have anything to complain about, I'm bringing you pictures of hotties and definitive reasons as to what transcends them into someone who is more than just hot, who is someone you really want to bone


 If you are wondering why I haven't posted on the beautiful women you find most boneable, please feel free to let me know all about her and what makes her bonetastic to you. Nobody can have too many boneable women in his Bone-List.

My Bone-List is largely comprised of those that are a little different to the norm. I have a firm belief that the more obscure and abstract a hottie is, the more boneable she is. That is why most of the people that feature in the types of lists such as "10 most beautiful girls in the world" will never make it on to my list. I'm looking for so much more than a generic, mass produced celebrawhore.


We used to live in an age where a sex tape could bring you boneable notoriety, but that time is long gone. We probably have Paris Hilton and her lack lustre performance in "One Night in Paris" that was "released without her consent" to thank for that.
She certainly went the wrong way in making it on to my Bone-List with that horrible abomination of a sex tape. The tape which was filmed for the better part in night-shot mode left Paris looking like a luminous green cat, that has been caught in the headlights of a speeding car. When you add the fact that the douche bag that was driving the metaphorical car was making the most annoying sounds and comments in any porn, ever (which is a massive call) you end up with a piece of shit that ruins the credibility of "unauthorised" sex tapes... possibly for ever.


It is in the aforementioned spirit of obscurity, distinction, boneableness and perhaps impeccable comic timing that could rival Tina Fey that I kick off my blog with a choice that most wouldn't expect to come first, tenth, or make the Bone-List at all, but the truth of the matter is that I really want to bone Claire Werbeloff.

Just a quick glance at any of the pictures should be enough of a reason for any of you to understand why I feel the way I do, but if you feel that there is more to this wantingness to bone, then you'd be correct. 


Claire Werbeloff hit the Internet  and went viral due to her reenactment of a shooting in Sydney, Australia and most noticeably the sound "chk chk boom" of a gun being shot during her retelling of the story. Claire also went on to describe how it was a "fat wog" shooting a "skinny wog". She went on camera to tell the full story.

 "There were these two wogs fighting. The fatter wog said to the skinnier wog: 'Oi bro, you slept with my cousin.' And the other one said: 'Nah man, I didn't for shit, eh', and the other one goes: 'I will call on my fully sick boys, eh.' And then pulled out a gun and went 'chk chk boom'."

The combination of the stereotypical language used by the people that she degradingly referred to as the fat and skinny wogs as well as the child like sound she used to replicate a gun should have most of you intrigued with this gorgeous women. If you still need more to convince you, I think the rest of her story could seal the deal.

Not long after and still during the peak of her fame, Claire was forced to admit that her eyewitness account of the Sydney shooting was indeed made up after Australian police told The Sun Herald that her version of events had been completely fabricated and that she had not witnessed the shooting in question. This is the moment when I started to take interest in Claire. Anybody who can run up to a camera crew in the early hours of the morning and come up with pure comedic gold as she did is okay in my books.

After Claire went viral she had so many people requesting to do interviews with her that at the height of her fame she needed to hire a publicist to deal with the international interest in this boneable Internet sensation. Claire was offered several media jobs and she has since signed on to do a TV show called "The Hustle" which purports to show people how not to get hustled.


It should also be said (or more likely, it shouldn't) that I would be extremely turned on if in the grips of a passionate embrace with Claire, she were to make the "Chk Chk Boom" sound when either of us climaxed. Or any time either of us thrusted harder than normal. Or maybe as a build up to harder thrusting, with each chk being harder than the last and the boom obviously being harder than them all. For this scenario I would be willing to over look the massacre of the classic "Chk Chk Boom" to allow the "Chk Chk" part to be repeated many times over before the boom. Or when... I'll stop there.

If you still don't feel that Claire Werbeloff is completely boneable, then I have lost faith in you. However, in the interest of wanting people to agree with me. Here is the original clip that made Claire a household name and started a "Chk Chk Boom" phenomenon that included t-shirts, dance music songs and still makes people laugh on a drunken night on the town, especially, Kings Cross.

Claire, I want to bone her.

Enjoy.